10 Steps to Positive Parenting
Twice a year we offer a parenting class for parents of preschoolers and elementary age children entitled “Ten Steps to Positive Discipline.” I understand how hectic lives and chaotic schedules challenge parents to attend a 5-week course, so I am always impressed when couples can set aside time to attend these workshops. I would like to take this opportunity to share with you the Cliff Notes version of the workshop to help you (or someone you know) overcome some of the power struggles that take place with small children.
Although entitled “Ten Steps to Positive Discipline”, this workshop is unlike many others that tell you how to discipline the children; this workshop looks at us, the adults, and how we can develop a sense of self-discipline in order to help the child make good choices and become assertive adults.
People often confuse the words discipline and punishment. The word discipline comes from the root word disciple. When we think of disciples, we think of caring, loving, encouraging people who teach and prepare the way for others to follow. This requires persistence, determination, and a degree of focus.
When we look at the word punishment; however, we think of something painful, unpredictable, unjust, fear-based and inconsistent. Parents are typically trying to decide “What else can I take away from the child to get them to behave differently?” As Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working for ya?”
Following are the principles behind the concept of Conscious Discipline, a program developed by Dr. Becky Bailey that enables parents to consciously parent their children while teaching them to be the disciplined, assertive individuals.
Principle #1 – Know your child
How does your child respond to the frustrations of not being immediately successful? Dr. Bailey shares that by 14 months of age, there are at least one of four basic personality types children display when handling frustration. Being able to respect your child’s personality, particularly when it’s different than yours, is vital to your success as a parent. It’s easy to get upset with your child when they are not persistent, when that’s your tendency. Respecting the difference moves you toward conscious discipline.
Principle #2 – Know what is normal
Small children frequently turn fearful situations into a game in their mind and create their own reality, yet if parents aren’t aware of this, they may get angry and yell meaningless information such as “stop it!” or “don’t do that!” adding more fear and confusion to the child’s situation. Because we are adults, we often say, “They should know better.” The fact is, the more we know about child development, the less likely we are to perceive a child’s behavior as disrespectful.
Principle #3 – Adults are accountable as role models
Adults inadvertently do things that send children mixed messages. As a child processes information, his experiences and observations are far more powerful than what he hears. We can’t scream at an out of control child, “Just go to your room until you get yourself together!” and expect them to rationalize that form of discipline. We need to consider what we say and how we say it as role models.
Principle #4 – Adults must maintain self-control
It’s easy to point a finger at a child and say, “You’re making me so mad!” yet we want to consider how those comments sound to children. It unconsciously teaches them that self-control is not possible as long as others are in the world. Granted, we all have triggers that upset us; yet, if we are unable to recognize the triggers as our issues and take responsibility for our responses as a form of self-control, the child will not learn how to take responsibility and have self-control.
Principle #5 – Adults must see the world from the child’s point of view
When a child is whining and emotional, it’s simply easier for an adult to offer information, “Stop crying, we’ll be home soon.” Yet, if we can look at a child with positive intent, we can see that the whining and crying is a way of calling for love and needing empathy. Having a crying child ask, “when will we be there?” can sometimes trigger our upset. The hope is that adults have self-control that gives us the ability to get a message from a child (I’m angry, tired or frustrated) without shooting the messenger.
Principle #6 – Adults must speak clearly and assertively to children
Parents often want to be the good guys, so they ask children to do things as requests: “It’s time to get ready for bed, ok?” And when the child doesn’t respond to the request, the adult shifts from making a passive request to making an aggressive threat: “How many times do I have to ask you… get ready now or else…!” Conscious Discipline teaches that assertive communication involves telling the child what we want them to do and then making a specific request.
Principle #7 – Discipline is an opportunity to teach, not punish
When children misbehave, we tend to look at their behavior as bad, disrespectful, unacceptable, etc. We attach a negative connotation to it and respond accordingly. This negative discipline uses fear and intimidation to get a child to do what we want them to do, leaving parent and child feeling bad. Consider the idea that the child’s behavior is prompted by not knowing how to respond. This allow us to apply positive intent and embrace the teachable moment.
Principle #8 – Parents must be in relationship with the child
Adults easily get tied up in the chaos of the day and fail to give undivided attention to their children. If we are doing something with the children, it’s commonly while we’re cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning
the house, or giving baths. Dr. Bailey states that we can reduce oppositional behavior by 50% if we simply play with a child for five minutes a day. This involves getting down on the child’s level, mirroring the child’s expressions and making the child feel as if nothing else exists except the two of you.
Principle #9 – Seeks solutions not blame
When we hear commotion, we look for the one to blame. We walk in and shoot out questions like, “What did you do?” and follow it with, “We’ll sit here until I find out who broke the jar!” This fear-tactic quickly teaches that honesty may not be the best policy. A different way to approach the issue is to seek a solution by stating, “We have a problem, the jar is broken. What should we do about it?” This teaches how to explore ideas and gets the child to think and accept responsibility versus shut down or act out.
Principle #10 – Communicate with the intention of love, not fear
Many times, we think the way to get a child to behave better is to threaten, blame, take away privileges or yell. The more a child resists, it seems the more the adult brings fear and dominance to a situation. Much of this comes from beating ourselves up as we listen to our own self-talk, “I should’ve done the job better, faster, sooner.” If, instead, we can take a deep breath and discuss the situation and options with the child, we can raise confident, self-disciplined children who take responsibility and accept the consequences.
This article gives just a glimpse of what the 5-week parenting class has to offer. If you would like more information about upcoming workshops, please contact the counseling center at 614-865-0513.
The material used in this newsletter comes from the Conscious Discipline materials by Dr. Becky Bailey. To find out more, go to www.consciousdiscipline.com.
