Central College Christian Counseling

10 Steps to Positive Parenting

Leslie Marshall — Tue, 25 May 2010 04:00:51 +0000

10 Steps to Positive Parenting

Twice a year we offer a parenting class for parents of preschoolers and elementary age children entitled “Ten Steps to Positive Discipline.” I understand how hectic lives and chaotic schedules challenge parents to attend a 5-week course, so I am always impressed when couples can set aside time to attend these workshops. I would like to take this opportunity to share with you the Cliff Notes version of the workshop to help you (or someone you know) overcome some of the power struggles that take place with small children.

Although entitled “Ten Steps to Positive Discipline”, this workshop is unlike many others that tell you how to discipline the children; this workshop looks at us, the adults, and how we can develop a sense of self-discipline in order to help the child make good choices and become assertive adults.

People often confuse the words discipline and punishment. The word discipline comes from the root word disciple. When we think of disciples, we think of caring, loving, encouraging people who teach and prepare the way for others to follow. This requires persistence, determination, and a degree of focus.

When we look at the word punishment; however, we think of something painful, unpredictable, unjust, fear-based and inconsistent. Parents are typically trying to decide “What else can I take away from the child to get them to behave differently?” As Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working for ya?”

Following are the principles behind the concept of Conscious Discipline, a program developed by Dr. Becky Bailey that enables parents to consciously parent their children while teaching them to be the disciplined, assertive individuals.

Principle #1 – Know your child

How does your child respond to the frustrations of not being immediately successful? Dr. Bailey shares that by 14 months of age, there are at least one of four basic personality types children display when handling frustration. Being able to respect your child’s personality, particularly when it’s different than yours, is vital to your success as a parent. It’s easy to get upset with your child when they are not persistent, when that’s your tendency. Respecting the difference moves you toward conscious discipline.

Principle #2 – Know what is normal

Small children frequently turn fearful situations into a game in their mind and create their own reality, yet if parents aren’t aware of this, they may get angry and yell meaningless information such as “stop it!” or “don’t do that!” adding more fear and confusion to the child’s situation. Because we are adults, we often say, “They should know better.” The fact is, the more we know about child development, the less likely we are to perceive a child’s behavior as disrespectful.

Principle #3 – Adults are accountable as role models

Adults inadvertently do things that send children mixed messages. As a child processes information, his experiences and observations are far more powerful than what he hears. We can’t scream at an out of control child, “Just go to your room until you get yourself together!” and expect them to rationalize that form of discipline. We need to consider what we say and how we say it as role models.

Principle #4 – Adults must maintain self-control

It’s easy to point a finger at a child and say, “You’re making me so mad!” yet we want to consider how those comments sound to children. It unconsciously teaches them that self-control is not possible as long as others are in the world. Granted, we all have triggers that upset us; yet, if we are unable to recognize the triggers as our issues and take responsibility for our responses as a form of self-control, the child will not learn how to take responsibility and have self-control.

Principle #5 – Adults must see the world from the child’s point of view

When a child is whining and emotional, it’s simply easier for an adult to offer information, “Stop crying, we’ll be home soon.” Yet, if we can look at a child with positive intent, we can see that the whining and crying is a way of calling for love and needing empathy. Having a crying child ask, “when will we be there?” can sometimes trigger our upset. The hope is that adults have self-control that gives us the ability to get a message from a child (I’m angry, tired or frustrated) without shooting the messenger.

Principle #6 – Adults must speak clearly and assertively to children

Parents often want to be the good guys, so they ask children to do things as requests: “It’s time to get ready for bed, ok?” And when the child doesn’t respond to the request, the adult shifts from making a passive request to making an aggressive threat: “How many times do I have to ask you… get ready now or else…!” Conscious Discipline teaches that assertive communication involves telling the child what we want them to do and then making a specific request.

Principle #7 – Discipline is an opportunity to teach, not punish

When children misbehave, we tend to look at their behavior as bad, disrespectful, unacceptable, etc. We attach a negative connotation to it and respond accordingly. This negative discipline uses fear and intimidation to get a child to do what we want them to do, leaving parent and child feeling bad. Consider the idea that the child’s behavior is prompted by not knowing how to respond. This allow us to apply positive intent and embrace the teachable moment.

Principle #8 – Parents must be in relationship with the child

Adults easily get tied up in the chaos of the day and fail to give undivided attention to their children. If we are doing something with the children, it’s commonly while we’re cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning

the house, or giving baths. Dr. Bailey states that we can reduce oppositional behavior by 50% if we simply play with a child for five minutes a day. This involves getting down on the child’s level, mirroring the child’s expressions and making the child feel as if nothing else exists except the two of you.

Principle #9 – Seeks solutions not blame

When we hear commotion, we look for the one to blame. We walk in and shoot out questions like, “What did you do?” and follow it with, “We’ll sit here until I find out who broke the jar!” This fear-tactic quickly teaches that honesty may not be the best policy. A different way to approach the issue is to seek a solution by stating, “We have a problem, the jar is broken. What should we do about it?” This teaches how to explore ideas and gets the child to think and accept responsibility versus shut down or act out.

Principle #10 – Communicate with the intention of love, not fear

Many times, we think the way to get a child to behave better is to threaten, blame, take away privileges or yell. The more a child resists, it seems the more the adult brings fear and dominance to a situation. Much of this comes from beating ourselves up as we listen to our own self-talk, “I should’ve done the job better, faster, sooner.” If, instead, we can take a deep breath and discuss the situation and options with the child, we can raise confident, self-disciplined children who take responsibility and accept the consequences.

This article gives just a glimpse of what the 5-week parenting class has to offer. If you would like more information about upcoming workshops, please contact the counseling center at 614-865-0513.

The material used in this newsletter comes from the Conscious Discipline materials by Dr. Becky Bailey. To find out more, go to www.consciousdiscipline.com.

Assertive Communication: 10 tips to improve relationships

Leslie Marshall — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:38:59 +0000

By Leslie Marshall, MA, PCC

Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Whether you are the parent or the child, the employer or the employee, the husband or the wife, you need to be able to communicate your needs and desires and know that you are heard, which decreases your own frustration.

If we look at it from a Biblical perspective, Jesus commented that he only did/said what God had revealed for him to do/say. Each of His statements were assertive. He did not have to be passive nor aggressive. Why? Because passivity comes from fear and aggressiveness comes from fear and false pride; neither fear nor pride was evident in the life of Jesus.

As Christians we are told to “speak the truth in love.” We are told to be bold and confident. When we are assertive, we build intimacy, we develop honesty in relationships and we solve interpersonal problems. Assertive statements should be spoken respectfully and honestly.

So, let’s look at how we may handle issues. What happens when there is a really difficult subject that needs to be discussed? Sometimes people have a tendency to water down the hard topics for fear of sounding dominant or bossy, and choose the wrong words to communicate their frustration, resulting in a passive voice:

‘Honey, pleeeezzze call me when you’re running late, you know how worried I get.”

Then, when the same passive request has been stated 7-8 times and the same behavior continues, the person has had it, so now the request comes out aggressively:

“I am so sick and tired of you not listening to me! What is your problem? Is it so hard to pick up the phone and call just to let me know you’re running late?”

This aggressiveness comes from a fear of loss of control, which stems from false pride.

When people choose alternatives to assertiveness, they fake their feelings, suffer silently, retreat from others, manipulate them or demand their way. Ultimately these options are self-defeating and harmful to relationships.

In addition to word choice, there is a difference in tone. This passive voice comes across as whining or ‘nagging’; while aggressive voices are just the opposite and have an angry undertone. The most effective way to communicate is with assertive words and an assertive tone. I call this “the kind NIKE attitude:” Just do it.

In order to develop your assertive voice, I have provided you with the following 10 tips that can benefit your communication with your friends, family, co-workers, and even service providers.

Choose the right time & place. Imagine you’re dashing out the door on your way to work. Your 15 year old daughter is upstairs and you call out, “I’d like a clean house when I get home.” This passive voice will lead to more frustration on your part when she says “I didn’t hear you.” An assertive request would involve standing in front of her, making eye contact and saying “I need you to wash the dishes, put them away and run the vacuum before I get home at 5:00.” There is not room for miscommunication this way.
Be direct. A passive comment would say “I just don’t know how I’m going to get everything done before your aunt gets here.” An assertive comment says, “Lisa, I need you to vacuum the living room and polish the living room furniture before 11 a.m.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she knows exactly what you’re asking of her.
Say “I” or “you,” not “we.” Instead of passively saying, “We need to do our homework done before we turn on the TV,” assertively say, “You need to finish your homework, then you can watch TV.
Be specific. Instead of, “Have you cleaned your room yet?” say, “I’ll be up to check your room by 5:00 p.m.” Believe it or not, kids love this, as you’re not constantly nagging them with ‘have you done it yet?’ and they know their deadline. This helps them with developing time management skills as well.
Use body language to emphasize your words. Standing in front of your husband and making eye contact as you state “Johnny needs to get to Above the Rim practice at 5:00. I need you to take him because I have to work late,” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble “Johnny needs to be at the Above the Rim practice at 5:00” as you’re walking out the door, you undermine your message and Johnny may miss practice.
Confirm your request. Ask your kids to repeat back to you what you just said. Looking back at example number 1, you could kindly ask Lisa, “Repeat back to me what I just said so I know you understand what I’m asking.”
Don’t get personal. When expressing an annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behavior rather than attacking the person. For example if your 14 year old yells “GET OUT” when you walk in his room, you would say: “If you are busy you can ask me to come back later, but you may not treat me rudely.” rather than, “You are so rude!”
Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation. Note: This is a struggle for small children, especially boys, so encourage them with words like “I like seeing your eyes when you speak to me. It tells me you’re listening to me. That is helpful”
Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behavior. Instead of “You make me so mad… you always do this!” an assertive person would state, “When you cancel our plans at the last minute it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel frustrated.”
State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. “Let’s sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.”

When we are in our Father’s grip, we can let go of our fears and false pride, allowing Him to be in control. We can, as Jesus said, just let our “yes be yes, and our no be no.”

The Thrill is Gone… (dealing with post holiday blues)

Jake Steele — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 05:00:24 +0000

By Jake Steele, PC

“The thrill is gone… The thrill has gone away.” Who would have thought that a famous song popularized by B.B. King could aptly characterize a post-holiday funk that besets so many? Wrapping paper discarded, bows unraveled, stockings emptied…Yes, the thrill¾to some degree¾has gone but perhaps you’ve noticed that other emotions have claimed permanent residence and now it is you who feels unraveled, empty and discarded.

In the wake of a season epitomizing peace, joy, hope and anticipation of new beginnings, some may find themselves in circumstances that make Merry and Christmas or Happy and New Year seem like an oxymoron. Sound familiar? Might this be symptomatic of mere holiday blues or could it be a manifestation of something deeper? Let’s take a closer look.

What Causes the Holiday Blues?

Fear of disappointing others. Some people fear disappointing their loved ones during the holidays. Even though they can’t afford to spend a lot of money on gifts, some people feel so obligated to come through with a fancy gift that they spend more than they can afford.

Expecting gifts to improve relationships. Giving someone a nice present won’t necessarily strengthen a friendship or romantic relationship. When your gifts don’t produce the reactions you had hoped for, you may feel let down.

Anniversary reactions. If someone important to you passed away or left you during a past holiday season, you may become depressed as the anniversary approaches.

Bad memories. For some families, the holidays are times of chaos and confusion. This is especially true in families where people have substance abuse problems or dysfunctional ways of relating to each other. If this was true in your family in past years, you may always carry memories of the disappointment and upheaval that came with the holidays. Even though things may be better now, it is difficult to forget the times when your holidays were ruined by substance abuse and family dysfunction.

It could be SAD. People who live in northern states may experience depression during the winter because of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD results from fewer hours of sunlight as the days grow shorter during the winter months.

Strategies for Dealing with the Holiday Blues

While the holiday blues are usually temporary, these ideas can help make this year’s post-holiday experience more pleasant and less stressful.

Be realistic. Don’t expect the current or future holiday season to solve all past problems. The forced cheerfulness of the holiday season cannot ward off sadness or loneliness.

Give yourself permission not to feel cheerful. Accept how you are feeling. If you have recently experienced a loss, you can’t expect yourself to put on a happy face. Tell others how you are feeling and what you need.

Be honest. Express your feelings to those around you in a constructive, honest, and open way. If you need to confront someone with a problem, begin your sentences with “I feel.”

Give yourself special care. Schedule times to relax and pamper yourself. Take a warm bath or spend an evening with a good book.

Set limits and priorities. Be realistic about what you will be able to accomplish. Prepare a To-Do list to help you arrange your priorities.

Get some exercise. Exercise has a positive impact on depression because it boosts serotonin levels. Try to get some type of exercise at least twice each week.

Is It More than Just the Holiday Blues?

Clinical depression extends beyond just feeling sad for a few weeks. The symptoms generally include changes in appetite and sleep patterns, having less interest in daily activities, difficulty concentrating, and a general feeling of hopelessness.

Clinical depression requires professional treatment. If you are concerned that a friend or relative may be suffering from more than just holiday blues, you should express your concerns. If the person expresses thoughts of worthlessness or suicide, it is important to seek the help of a qualified mental health professional.

Be reminded. The locus of our deepest joy, value and fulfillment cannot be governed by the influence of outside opinions, or the frivolous acquisition of things that ultimately lose their luster with time. Seasons come and go; relationships wax and wane. Amidst all of the world’s fleeting events, we can trust that one thing will always remain constant: the presence and love of a Savior, a Redeemer who promises to never leave or forsake us (Heb: 13:5). With this, we can find hope and peace in the notion that it is not who we are, what we’ve done or who we know that gives us worth…Rather, it’s to whom we belong that affords us true value.

In the wake of this Christmas season, as we anticipate a new year, please remember the precious gift you’ve been given in the name, Emmanuel―God with us. The valley may be deep, the night dark and the mountain tall, but we have in our midst the Lord as our shepherd who walks not behind or ahead, but with us (Psalm 23). What blessed assurance! What good news! If your physical, emotional, mental or spiritual trek has become perilous, don’t shrink from acknowledging your condition, especially if it proves to be longstanding. It is in times like these that we seek control over situations, while failing to realize the unfailing presence of the Holy Spirit that navigates us through them.

For further information, visit these web sites:

American Psychological Association: www.apa.org

National Depressive and Manic-Depressive Association: www.ndmda.org

National Mental Health Association: www.nmha.org